What my life was like at that time.
We lived in Wyoming while my husband was finishing his PhD. I stayed home with our 3 kids, ages 5, 4, and 2.
Excitement filled me when I got the positive pregnancy test for baby #4. (Or so I thought.) We decided to keep it quiet.
Over the next few weeks I could imagine experiencing the pregnancy and holding my baby. I tried to guess what day they would be born on?
I thought about each month of the pregnancy and how I would feel during that month. I began to look at baby names and try to guess the gender. I began to imagine my future with this unborn child I was carrying!
As the weeks went by my symptoms were very mild; headaches, frequent bathroom breaks, achy breasts, mild cramping, mood swings, and tired. All in line with pregnancy symptoms, but mild. Which concerned me a little, after having 3 successful pregnancies and 1 miscarriage (at this point in my journey), I knew how the difference felt.
At 7 weeks I went in for my intake appointment with the nurse. A pretty standard visit to get personal history and vitals. I had to schedule the ultrasound and doctor visit for 2 weeks later. Upon my request I asked to have blood drawn to know my HCG levels. Both blood draw results, 3 days apart to look for HCG growth, came back in “normal range”.
So with hope, and no warning signs, I kept moving forward.
The next few days brought tension headaches, anxious feelings making it hard to sleep, and feeling down. Since there was no signs of miscarriage and the blood work was good I started to think maybe twins, or something else was causing these symptoms???
How I dealt with the physical loss.
During week 8 I was doing the dishes and began to spot.
My heart sank.
I knew what had happened. Still hopeful I thought maybe its just implantation bleeding? Well, it wasn’t. I kept spotting throughout the night. Steady and consistent.
- Day 1- Spotted
- Day 2- Constant bleeding that was manageable with panty liners and frequent bathroom breaks. Mild cramps. Mild headache
- Day 3- Heavy flow began and so did the cramping! Thicker pads and frequent trips to the bathroom. After a warm bath, I passed several blood clots varying in size. Continuing on and off the entire day. Painkillers helped. Mild headache
- Day 4- Similar to Day 3
- Day 5- Same as Day 2
- Day 6- Spotting. Mild headache
- Day 7- Spotting. Tension headache behind my eyes. Resting in a dark room helped. My guess is the sudden drop in hormones
- Day 8 and On– The spotting was not as frequent. Varying amounts dime size to half-dollar size. Light blood changed to dark brownish blood (good sign its old blood). Small clots if any.
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During this time I took care of myself. Rested, bowed out of social gatherings, stayed hydrated, ate good foods, and indulged in some treats. Watched movies, stayed away from social media, and wrote in my journal. I really tried to listen to my body as it naturally processed the miscarriage.
How I dealt with the emotional loss.
I had to be careful or my sadness would have consumed me.
During my miscarriage I remember vacuuming the floors and hearing the lyrics, “We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody.”
By: Mercy River, Better than a hallelujah
Those words resounded with me!
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My misery sent me to my knees and building my relationship with God. My situation did not change but my heart did. I felt peace. I felt like I could bare my struggles a little more each day.
On Day 3 and 4 I decided to take a break from researching miscarriages and scrolling through social media as a distraction. This provided metal space for my own thoughts and healing. I wrote in my journal as well. One entry I wrote to my child and it was very therapeutic.
When I was ready I shared my trail with those around me. Then went on…
One.Day.At.A.Time.
Hello Friend! I’m Chantell…
Wife, Mother of 5 earthly & 6 heavenly babies, and love God. I blog about Motherhood. Read More