Miscarriage #5

What my life was like at that time.

Down to one fallopian tube it took longer to get pregnant. But when the positive pregnancy test came I was so exciting. This was several months after miscarriage #4, which put me in the hospital with a long physical and mental recovery.

As soon as I got the positive test I called to schedule an early ultrasound for two reasons.

I wanted to confirm no ectopic pregnancy.
I wanted to see a heartbeat.

I anxiously awaited my 1^st ultrasound appointment. As I sat trying to tell myself it is okay either way and to not get my hopes up to high. Pretty pathetic attempts but I had to try.

After a little bit of searching in the uterus the ultrasound tech and I found the tiniest heartbeat of a 5wk 5day baby. I was so relieved. I had my two concerns addressed and could go on another week.

The next few weeks went by with my secret joy growing inside!

2^nd ultrasound at 7 weeks showed a growing baby with a great heartbeat and no ectopic pregnancy hiding.

3^rd ultrasound at 8 weeks showed a growing baby with a great heartbeat and no ectopic pregnancy hiding.

4^th ultrasound at 10 ½ weeks showed no growth and no heartbeat.

At this 4^th appointment my doctor and I were casually chatting. He asked me the standard question, “How are you feeling?”

I said kind of sick but not as much as I thought I should be. After having 4 successful pregnancies I had a good idea how sick I should be for me.

The Doctor reassured me that could mean anything so we proceeded with the ultrasound. That’s when his demeanor changed.

He was quiet.

By now, due to my past 10 year history of pregnancies, I had gotten pretty good at reading the ultrasound screen.

There was no heartbeat.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

My baby had stopped growing at 8 ½ weeks, right after our last ultrasound. I sat processing the screen trying to not react. Thoughts racing, How? When? I had 3 previously positive ultrasounds. Could this be? Did I do something wrong, again?

My doctor had another doctor come in to confirm the ultrasound reading. Then we discussed my options. I held it together pretty good with only a few tears. I wanted to be alone. I needed time to process.

My three options to proceed forward with my miscarriage were…

Take medication to induce the miscarriage naturally.
Wait for my body to process the miscarriage naturally on its own.
Schedule a D&C

I asked for time to think about it and left.

I was so happy to leave but still a little numb to everything. I climbed into a busy van with children asking me why I took so long, and what food I had for them. I just said let me make a plan with daddy and that subsided the questions for the moment. That’s when I looked at my husband, told him its not good, and then began to cry.

The rest of the day I took it easy, gave myself some grace, and ate chocolate ice cream. Not as much housework was done and the kids may have watched a few movies, but I needed the time to process.

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How could my baby be gone?

I saw the heartbeat, three times! After much thought and pondering I concluded to ask for one more confirming ultrasound. It was tough to attend my 5^th ultrasound, but the peace of mind was worth it. No heartbeat.

I chose option 3 and scheduled the D&C. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, a 5 day school break for my big kids, my body showing no signs that the miscarrying process had begun, and I was 10 ½ weeks along, this was the best option.

I was in control, somewhat.

How I dealt with the physical loss. (D&C)

I scheduled the D&C for the Monday before Thanksgiving. Then that Saturday before I baked a Thanksgiving feast and put it all in the freezer. (Except for the turkey my husband was in charge of that.). I wasn’t sure how I would feel Thanksgiving Day but I wanted to celebrate with my little family. I have too much to be thankful for!

The day I checked in at same-day surgery I was 11 weeks along. At this point I had no physical signs of miscarriage, no cramping or bleeding. But I knew. The 2 ultrasounds confirmed it was just a matter of time before my body knew too.

It felt like such a long lonely walk. My husband stayed home to watch the younger kids. They called me back. I changed into hospital clothes, put on the socks, and was given another warmed blanket, my favorite since I get so cold! I even brought an extra jacket.

After only 5 IV pokes the nurses were able to get a successful IV in! It’s not them, its me. My veins are hard to find. I think I had 6 different nurses rotate in and out to help during that time. One brought the ultrasound machine in to find my vein.

We all chatted for a few minutes. As they left the room one nurse lingered behind. She looked at me with such emotion, I just knew. She asked me about my miscarriage. I said, “I would be 11 weeks today, it’s my 5^th miscarriage, and it doesn’t get easier.” Then I asked her about her experience. It was such a connection and source of comfort. A kindred soul!

I talked with the doctor and anesthesiology, and then we were off.

After what felt like seconds I was in the Post-OR recovery room. I couldn’t make out much but the mild ache in the pelvic area. As I lay there with my eyes closed and my body sleepy, dozing in and out of consciousness, a tear rolled down my face.

I felt empty.

It’s hard to describe the connection a woman has with her unborn child at any week of gestation. I always felt extra close to heaven during those times.

D&C day-to-day recovery:

Day 1 – Surgery Day: Post surgery I spotted the rest of the day, felt swollen, and achy. Painkillers as directed. Rested/slept.
Day 2 – Spotted on and off that day. Felt a little swollen and achy. Painkillers, movies, and good food helped. I was up for visitors but did not feel like I had energy to go anywhere. Moody
Day 3 – Spotted on and off that day. Stayed home. Moody due to hormone shift. Sad. Hugged my kids.
Day 4 – Thanksgiving day! Spotted on and off that day and had more energy. I spaced out my painkillers but shouldn’t have. The cramps hit me hard. Then I was down for a few hours. (cramp severity hits everyone differently, even every pregnancy is different.) I rested, napped, then joined my family. After a while I became dizzy then napped again. Watched a family movie
Day 5 – Spotting on and off very little. Swelling and aching gone. Moody and a few dizzy spells. Painkillers spaced out more.
Day 6 – Same as Day 5 but felling more energized.
Day 7 – Mild moody, minimal aching. Took 1 painkiller that day.
Day 8 – One week officially. I was amazed at how the body can take care of itself. No painkillers were needed. My hormones had regulated. Spotting was minimal with dark brown spots (old blood). I had processed most of my emotions.

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How I dealt with the emotional loss.

Miscarriage never gets easier.

I went into Miscarriage number 5 with hope.

During my time of reflection I had this beautiful thought. That even though the time was short this little one growing inside of me got to be apart of our family.

We celebrated two sibling birthdays, a Halloween holiday with all its traditions, Bobsledding in Park City at Olympic Park for our 12^th anniversary (I did not know I was pregnant), went ice-skating on sisters field-trip, cheered at siblings soccer games, freaked out when the dog had a seizure, baked bread to sale for the fall season, and supported me when I had strep twice.

I just smiled. What a beautiful thought.

At this point in my journey of miscarriages I decided I wanted something tangible, this lead to the creation of my cherished necklace. I found a custom birthstone charm necklace then added each miscarriage in order of the month I miscarried.

Once it arrived I added a trinket given to me during miscarriage #4. The trinket said, “I will hold you in my heart until I hold you in heaven.” Together my necklace was complete.

With my necklace on I headed to visit family for the Christmas season. I looked for the good, chose to do the things that brought me joy, and just let time pass.

One.Day.At.A.Time.

Current Mother Counsel: The best quote that got you through hard times? >>>Weigh in here

Hello Friend! I’m Chantell…

Wife, Mother of 5 earthly & 6 heavenly babies, and love God. I blog about Motherhood. Read More

What my life was like at that time.

How I dealt with the physical loss. (D&C)

How I dealt with the emotional loss.

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